i feel like i live on an island though all my friends are only miles away. like i don’t hold someone’s interest long enough for a lengthy stay in their life and most times vice versa. I’m building a very solid and existent distrust in people’s company which i don’t like.
But within the past 3 years so many people have came and went. some of which i really wanted to stay, but holding onto a memory of what someone was and losing sight of what they are actively becoming does more damage than good to a person. i try not to set high hopes and expectations for people, just have hunches for what I believe they are in the moment (which is always subject to change.)
When people ask me about my love-life the answer is always the same: there’s no one in my romantic corner right now, not realistically at least. And a lot of times i am perfectly okay with this. I have no distractions, no one to answer to, no one to tell me i am not up to their standards at the moment and since i care about them so much i walk around disoriented and fucked up about their opinion of me. I’m in a place of serious self-empowerment.
At the same time I am young and at the peak of my physical and intellectual exuberance. I never want to waste my youth being too solemn and too wise for some late night foolery with a shawty. I miss making out with someone. one person, everyday. i miss the process of synchronization two young people endure to develop a strong relationship between each other. I miss having someone that: out of all the coming and going faces that I deal with from the life i live, out of all the people who were and are going to be in my life, they stick around through thick and thin still checking on me and still desiring me and me alone. it’s the hardest thing to run across these days.
i don’t like when a girl tries too hard to be in my life: you set me up to fail disappoint you. I don’t like trying so hard to be in a girl’s life: if you can’t recognize my sincerity i fear you never will or you won’t when i need you to the most.
Independence has always been the faster, easier and more convenient route for me. But i am surely learning as i grow older, it’s not always the best.
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